The #1 fear for most people is a fear of public speaking. I believe the #1 fear for most engaged couples is the fear of pre-marital counseling, that time when the two of you need to speak publicly about subjects you're afraid may be deal breakers to your relationship. But there are really good reasons why you should feel that fear and do it anyway, as Susan Jeffers would say. I'd even like to suggest that it's displaced, since perhaps you've been given an antiquated definition of what it actually is.
Statistically, a survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology, states that couples with premarital education report higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30 percent decline in the likelihood of divorce over five years. That alone should send you running to a professional trained in premarital education! But let's not stop there.
Realistically, getting married is not an inexpensive task, and getting divorced is substantially more painful and expensive in the long run, oftentimes very disruptive to more than just the two of you when children are involved. I know that sounds terrible to say, but #Truth.
What if. What if! What if pre-marital counseling was truly educational. We all know that it's impossible for two imperfect human beings to have a perfect relationship. That just makes common sense, right? It also makes sense that life happens, and we change, grow, and learn, both as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes that means we don't do those things exactly the same way. A life-altering event such as the long-term serious illness of a parent, for instance, may change each partner differently. Have you discussed how you might respond to such an event if the time came? What if that response changes for one of you when it actually happens? Does that negate what you might have discussed earlier before you got married?
It's impossible to predict all that will happen in your relationship at the time you're engaged, but what can be predicted is that if you don't have the skills to communicate effectively when conflict happens, you will not be able to navigate any conflict successfully without hurt feelings and damage to your relationship.
So let's take a fresh look at pre-marital discussions. When I work with couples before a ceremony, I focus not on whether the two of you will want to paint the kitchen blue or hot pink, but rather how to talk with and to each other when a difficult discussion arises. We explore your individual responses to stressful situations, how your partner can support you during those discussions, and how the two of you can resolve them together, rather than retreating to individual corners and preparing for an attack or going on the offensive to avoid getting hurt.
There are several experts in the field of relationships that talk about being able to identify in minutes which couples will succeed and which will fail, with no prior history with the couples. Many of them measure your communication styles instead of whether you hold hands, talk baby talk to each other or share a series of hobbies together.
How do you and your significant other communicate with each other? How do you respond when you feel stressed or under fire? What's your partner's initial response? How is it working for you now? Is there room for improvement? If you plan for success professionally, wouldn't you want to plan for success in your relationships as well? Talk with your partner today and make sure you have all the tools you need to assure your success for years to come. If you're already in a committed relationship, why not improve your marital satisfaction and overall happiness together?
When we fell in love, it felt great! Our toes tingled, we smiled whenever we thought of each other, and it all felt so new, maybe even like nothing we'd ever felt before. We wanted that feeling to last forever, so we got engaged. Many of us spent months or literally years to plan our weddings. We started with the big plan, and worked our way down to the finest of details to make sure our day turned out perfectly. Then we got married. We could live in that feeling forever now, right? But that feeling didn't last. We asked ourselves what happened, and wondered why we ever got married.
When we get married, I believe a new sentient being is created, called Our Relationship. It requires constant care, protection, nurturing and ongoing attention in order to stay healthy, much like planting a tree does. Our Relationship goes through seasons and stages too, much like an apple tree. In the beginning, we find a safe place to plant it. Our Relationship also needs lots of water and nutrients in order to flower, and so we might even set up a schedule to assure it gets them. Bees are needed to pollinate the flowers, and continued watering and nutrients lead to beautiful fruit in the Fall. If we stop caring for Our Relationship then, and assuming it now knows how to take care of itself, it won't make it through the winter. So we wrap the trunk to protect it. We might put a cage around it to keep deer and other predators away when Our Relationship is most vulnerable.
Have you given your relationship that level of attention since you got married? If you have, you probably are enjoying the benefits of a fruitful marriage. If not, there is still time if the damage has not taken irreversible tolls. Start nurturing the tree of your marriage immediately, with kinder words, deeds and attention. Work with your partner to restore Your Relationship back to health, and you'll discover that now it also provides a deeper appreciation for the shared life the two of you create and nurture together.
I often hear from couples who would like to celebrate communion but choose not to because they don't want a really long ceremony, especially if it's being held outside in the hot sun. They also know that there will be attendees who are not used to a full mass, and they don't want those guests to feel uncomfortable. The answer? Do what this couple did! We served an abbreviated communion to the wedding party and closest family members immediately following the rehearsal! It was a beautiful way to honor their faith, make the family happy and also be considerate of their guests who are not of the same belief system. This one was done at Cottage Vineyard and Winery in Menomonie, Wisconsin.
Wedding rehearsals can be a real bother in some ways, and a saving grace in others. Yes, it can be difficult to get your wedding party assembled all in one location the night before your ceremony, especially if some of them are coming from other locations, need to work that day, or have other commitments. Yes, there may be questions of whether you need to provide a meal for them, overnight accommodations, or more. And yes, there are good reasons why you should definitely consider a wedding rehearsal!
During the wedding rehearsal you have the opportunity to find out if your vision for your perfect ceremony will actually work. Walking from your beginning location to the altar may in fact tell you that your processional music isn't long enough, for instance, to allow time for the entire wedding party to reach their locations at the altar. Having everyone know exactly where the wedding venue is can help assure everyone is on time for the ceremony. Addressing family relationship issues with who is being escorted by ushers and where are they being seated and by whom can be addressed. Walking through the ceremony with your wedding officiant also means that you can help those last minute nerves by knowing what's going to happen, in what order, how to deal with flowers in your hand when you're exchanging rings, and so much more.
Who runs/coordinates the wedding rehearsal can be another question for clarity.
Many photographers now create wedding day timelines for their clients. These timelines are great for helping the day to move at an acceptable pace for all in attendance, assuring your guests feel comfortable and you've set aside enough time for things such as makeup/hair appointments, getting dressed, guests to arrive by shuttle service, photos before and/or after the ceremony, and when cocktail hours and meals may be served.
If you're getting married at a professional venue, they may have someone on staff that coordinates setting up chairs, moving guests from one part of the venue to the other, and getting food set out at certain times. These professionals may also be in a position to guide you in a pinch.
Your wedding officiant is the best choice to run your wedding rehearsal. He or she is the only one who truly knows the nuts and bolts of what is being included in your actual ceremony, from start to finish. Your officiant knows who needs to be where and at what point in the service. Lining up your wedding party so that they are in the appropriate order to play their respective roles and knowing when parents, grandparents and guests of honor are seated is also part of your officiant's responsibilities. Your officiant knows how to best set up the altar for any additional parts to the ceremony you may be incorporating, such as a unity candle, tree planting or hand fasting. Your officiant also has the actual ceremony being used, and can walk you through it so you know what you need to say and when.
The wedding rehearsal also is a good time for you and the officiant to communicate about any last minute changes, such as unexpected guests of honor in attendance, a decision not to include personal vows in the ceremony, a change in weather, or young ones or pets that just may not be quite up to the task of carrying rings or flowers to the altar.
A seasoned professional officiant also knows alternative ways to accomplish outcomes if the need arises, and can offer last minute advice during a rehearsal. Oftentimes the officiant has performed other ceremonies at the same venue and can make suggestions based upon that prior experience.
When I coordinate a wedding rehearsal, I walk the wedding party through the ceremony twice so that we can answer everyone's questions and we all go home knowing what's happening the next day. I want you to be able to relax and enjoy your very special day with as little anxiety and unexpected moments as possible! I am also available to say grace at the rehearsal dinner as well, should my couple wish it.
There are so very many ways to make your wedding day your own. From the time you were young, you probably had some idea of what you wanted your day to be like. Your partner probably did as well! Now that there are two of you, there can be a blending of your ideas to create something that truly reflects your personal style, your spiritual beliefs and the love and life you share.
I perform themed weddings often! Do the two of you have a love of all things western or Hawaiian? Then why not have a western or Hawaiian themed wedding? Perhaps you both love the ocean. How about a nautical theme? Want to get married at a vineyard? No problem!
For instance, if planning a western theme, tie the knot outdoors. The wedding party could wear Western boots or hats, you could ride up to the altar on horseback, you can do a unity ceremony using rope and serve pulled pork sandwiches with beans or host a pig roast. Are you more nautical? Why not say your vows by a lake, on a boat or in a stream? You can do a unity ceremony using a weaver's hitch, lake water or sand. Serve seafood, walleye or lake trout. Always dreamed of a wedding in a vineyard? I can create a unity ceremony using wine. Hold it mid-morning and serve grapes with a selection of cheeses, wine and crackers. Instead of feeding each other a piece of wedding cake, why not mash some grapes the old fashioned way?
Whatever is special about the two of you, I can help you create a theme and write a wedding ceremony around it. I work with you to write a ceremony that completely reflects what you want your special day to say to each other, to your guests, and what will make the two of you feel like your hearts and souls have been joined together like no other.
Join me this Mother's Day at Unity Christ Center, 1808 Folsom Street, Eau Claire, Wisconsin. We'll be celebrating Mother's Day and motherly love in all its forms starting at 10:00 a.m.
Once you've said yes, the next most logical decision to make is "When?" There are many considerations for you as you think of what works for your personal schedules, for family and friends traveling, busiest days of the year for your vendors, sporting events, and hey? Even the alignment of the stars, sun and moon if you're wanting to get married outside at night.
Planning your wedding for a long holiday weekend may sound like a good idea. Traveling guests have time off from work. You can visit with family and friends longer before everyone disburses to return home. Reality? Some hotels and venues are booked far in advance on holiday weekends. Caterers may be busy with non-wedding related orders. Florists, for instance, can be incredibly busy on either side of Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day and Christmas.
Here are a few of the big days in 2018 and 2019 to consider. Thank you to www.weddingwire.com for this list.
New Year’s Day: Monday, January 1, 2018; Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Monday, January 15, 2018; Monday, January 21, 2019
Super Bowl Sunday: Sunday, February 4, 2018 (especially in Minneapolis, Minn.); Sunday, February 3, 2019 (especially in Atlanta, Ga.)
Valentine’s Day: Wednesday, February 14, 2018; Thursday, February 14, 2019
Presidents’ Day: Monday, February 19, 2018; Monday, February 18, 2019
Academy Awards: Sunday, March 4, 2018; Sunday, February 24, 2019 (especially in Los Angeles)
April Fool’s Day: Sunday, April 1, 2018; Monday, April 1, 2019
Final Four: Saturday, March 31 and Monday, April 2, 2018 (especially in San Antonio, Texas); Saturday, April 6 and Monday, April 8, 2019 (especially in Minneapolis, Minn.)
Palm Sunday: Sunday, March 25, 2018; Sunday April 14, 2019
Passover: Friday, March 30, 2018 through Saturday, April 7, 2018; Friday, April 19 through Saturday, April 27, 2019
Easter: Sunday, April 1, 2018; Sunday, April 21, 2019
Mother’s Day: Sunday, May 13, 2018; Sunday, May 12, 2019
Memorial Day: Monday, May 28, 2018; Monday, May 27, 2019
Father’s Day: Sunday, June 17, 2018; Sunday, June 16, 2019
Fourth of July: Wednesday, July 4, 2018; Thursday, July 4, 2019
Labor Day: Monday, September 3, 2018; Monday, September 2, 2019
Rosh Hashanah: Sunday, September 9, 2018 through Tuesday, September 11, 2018; Sunday, September 29 through Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Yom Kippur: Tuesday, September 18, 2018 through Wednesday, September 19, 2018; Tuesday, October 8 through Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Columbus Day: Monday, October 8, 2018; Monday, October 14, 2019
Halloween: Wednesday, October 31, 2018; Thursday, October 31, 2019
Veterans Day: Sunday, November 11, 2018; Monday, November 11, 2019
Thanksgiving: Thursday, November 22, 2018; Thursday, November 28, 2019
Christmas: Tuesday, December 25, 2018; Wednesday, December 25, 2019
Kwanzaa: Wednesday, December 26, 2018 through Tuesday, January 1, 2018; Thursday, December 26, 2019 through Wednesday, January 1, 2020
New Year’s Eve: Monday, December 31, 2018; Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Of course, if you're superstitious, you may wan to add Friday the 13th to your list of no-no's: Friday, April 13, 2018; Friday, July 13, 2018; Friday, September 13, 2019; Friday, December 13, 2019.
Bridal fairs are a lot of fun! Walking around, trying lots of food, getting your hair done, and listening to great music with your sweetheart is a wonderful way to spend an afternoon! But then reality sets in.
When you said yes, I'd bet you had no idea how many decisions were going to need to be made, how many people in your life have opinions about how you're supposed to do things, and how expensive it all is. Right?
Well don't lose hope. I listened to my brides, saw the "deer in the headlights" looks in their eyes, and put my thinking cap on. I approached an event planner (Kim Louise Designs LLC), and we've created a new experience for couples in the Eau Claire area to actually help you PLAN your Dream Day. It's called the Our Day Workshop, and it's being held on Sunday, April 29th here in Eau Claire.
On that day, we will be limiting the number of attendees to assure specific questions are answered and you have the ability to work with experts to talk about catering, music, budgeting, photography, officiating options, and so much more. Whether your dream day is a destination wedding, in a park, your backyard or a formal venue, there will be help for everyone planning their Big Day.
Yes, there will be food, hourly giveaways and a Grand Prize well worth over $5,000 and growing! We are so excited about being able to offer this event, and hope you are too. Want more information? Check out the website we've set up that also lists speakers, sponsors, and will continue to grow as the date gets closer. Can't wait that long? Send us a question for our experts and we'll answer it now.
As I mentioned, there is limited seating, so advanced registration is required on the website. Tickets are $29 per person until April 1st, at which the price goes up to $35. Don't wait! Register now at www.OurDayWorkshop.com. See you there!
Visit me at the Metropolis Resort Wedding Fair this afternoon!
At my booth I'm giving away a seat at the upcoming Our Day Workshop (April 29th) where attendees can listen to and ask questions of experts to plan their special day, regardless of where or how they want to do it.
I hear rumors of food, hourly giveaways, a dance demonstration and a HUUUUGE Grand Prize Giveaway at THAT event! www.ourdayworkshop.com
#ourdayworkshop #livegreatfood #katebentleyphotography#arthurmurrayeauclaire #avalonfloral #revronnieroll #kimlouisedesigns#somanydetails #solittletime #isaidyesnowwhat
"EVERYBODY has a unity candle ceremony. I want something different!" I hear this often, and YES. There are options!
If you're getting married outside, you may especially want to avoid a unity candle ceremony as attempting to light a candle and keep it lit can be very difficult with the slightest of breezes. Would you consider it a bad omen if your unity candle blew out right after you lit it? Or it refuses to stay lit after lighting it several times?
If you really want a unity candle outdoors, there are ways you can try to trick Mother Nature. You can place the candle inside a hurricane lamp, but then lowering a taper down into it can burn your fingers or set a sleeve on fire.
You can use flameless candles, but how romantic is it to reach over and turn the battery-operated switch on?
Sand. Yes, there are many who use colored sand and each member of the family pours their sand into the center container. It's certainly an option, and one that many use in place of a unity candle. Make sure to seal it with silicone shortly after the ceremony to avoid the accidental spillage if it gets knocked over.
Here's how I approach it. Share with me the things that you and your sweetie have in common, and I can create a unity ceremony from just about anything. Do you love wine? I can create a wine ceremony. Have a passion for fishing? Boating? Coffee? Cooking? I've got you covered in all those as well. You can truly create a unity ceremony around anything, if you're creative enough.
Your ceremony should be a direct reflection of you, your love and what you believe. Not something out of a book that someone bought online or was written hundreds of years ago. This is YOUR day, YOUR love, and YOUR life. Celebrate it YOUR way.
Rev. Ronnie was ordained in 2010 as an interfaith minister through The New Seminary, located in New York City. She is available to perform ceremonies throughout the United States, aboard ship or in other countries.